Becoming and being an artist are two very different things. I acted as if I never was an artist. As if I was never awarded for my poems, I had never sold an artwork, I had never run creative seminars, I had never painted a mural as if I had never been admired for my creations. Then I finally got it.
BECOMING AND BEING
Becoming and being an artist are two very different things, but I had to spend a couple of years figuring it out.
The past years, I’ve been trying too hard to allow myself to become an artist. I’ve even created a YouTube series about it. But then, I found out I just had to unlearn that “I’m not an artist”, and just ‘be’ rather than become.
The two huge changes in my life, that accidentally changed me on a creative level, happened simultaneously. I decided on a career path and started working on it, started identifying with it. And at the same time, I found the love of my life (until the opposite is proved), so I didn’t have dramatic bursts of emotion for my creativity to feed off of. To this day I can’t tell which one played a critical role, which one made me believe I’m not an artist anymore. For years I couldn’t create art other than makeup and I wouldn’t attempt to write poetically or intellectually, as I subconsciously thought I should stay “in my field” and not try to be something more. People are here for the eyeshadow, the don’t care about my art, let alone an analysis of anything artistic. I was a makeup artist, a blogger, a Youtuber.
BEING DEFINED BY TITLES
It wasn’t until I started seeing all those titles as an obstacle, as the thing in the way, the thing separating me from my art. I wanted to be an artist, and in my mind, I couldn’t do that as long as those labels were in the way. They had to go before I could move on. Before I even had a plan to rebuild my scenery, I started tearing everything down (insert Baron Haussaman shaking his head in disapproval). I kicked everything.
NOT KNOWING HOW EXACTLY TO BECOME
Awkwardly, suddenly, without a transition, without a bigger plan, I rebranded and had a couple more failed attempts to create more things, more content, more products. I wasn’t still in the right direction. I changed my channel’s language, I changed the subjects I was talking about and naturally, people hated it. Some of them left, some ignored and others truly hated it/me. They only stayed to make sure they’d to show me how much they hated it.
The problem was that I was still too afraid, too confused. I was avoiding being and acting like an artist and kept looking for ways to go around it. I was coming up with ideas that, as beautiful as they were, they would focus on a product, on a selling point, on functions and features rather than the art itself. I wasn’t sure if I could go through this hate again, to be that defensive again. Or if their approval was or wasn’t vital for me.
As I was talking to a friend, presenting one of my ideas, one day I told her “I have this idea for an online course that will take people through personal development exercises and at the same time I’ll be creating an artwork for them, and…” she interrupted me -“Or you could just sell your art”.
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She sensed my need to justify why I’m making art, my attempt to do it while on the safe side, and if anyone would say I’m not an artist I could always say “Oh, that’s why I’m not in a gallery! This is a personal development product, not art. Anyone can do it!”
FAILURE AND OTHER STEPS TO BECOMING AND BEING
After several failed business attempts, a lot of research, and even more self-help, I found what was wrong. I was sloppily trying to make businesses happen, without a clear plan or goal. My countless working hours went to waste, just because I’ve been putting too much effort into something that wasn’t even my first choice, the thing I loved. The more I learned about business and marketing, the more inner work I found I had to do. And I had already made progress, but I was torn between “which life” I needed to prioritize, my personal or my business life? At some point, I had convinced myself that I would indeed be very successful in business, but my personal life had to be sacrificed.
I faced the stereotypes I had in my mind about who an artist is, how does a businesswoman look like, what a Parisian thinks about herself, and what a yogi wears. Every time those stereotypes were opposing to the image I had about myself, my mind moved me further and further away from who I wanted to be. Again, becoming and being were very confused in my head.
TAKING TIME OFF
I took some time off, focusing on parenting my child and myself. I read a lot of books, listened to podcasts, watched videos. I was hooked to the self-growth world, filtering out all the (many!) cringe cheesy stuff and promises, and for the most part, taking away the essence. After almost two years, I finally knew who I wanted to become.
An artist. Learning more and more about art, doing art studies, learning to draw better, keeping myself inspired, watching movies, documentaries, and courses that will stimulate me creatively. Feeling like an artist. Starting to believe I’m becoming one. I acted as if I never was an artist. As if I was never awarded for my poems, I had never sold an artwork, I had never run creative seminars, I had never painted a mural as if I had never been admired for my creations. Then I finally got it. It’s not about becoming an artist. It’s about being one.
Until next time, take care
BECOMING AND BEING
For years and years, I’ve been striving to become something. More recently I became obsessed with trying to become someone. And only now, in the process of working on this content, on this artwork, I discovered I need to let myself be.
I’m particularly proud of this visualization for three reasons: 1. I didn’t feel like recording it. I felt uninspired and lazy. But it just started coming to me on its own! 2. I love the images it ended up having and how it ties with the artwork (I didn’t plan it from the start!) 3. The aesthetic and the symbolism is so on point for me personally, and anyone else moving from “becoming” to “being”. I hope you’ll enjoy it as much as I do!
How did you like this immersion visualization? I’m so eager to know! Tell me in the comments below!
Also, have you printed your artwork yet? When you do, please let me know! I’m living to see it styled in your space! Post pictures and tag me or contact me and give me the honor to see my inspiration combined with yours!
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